The boundaries are fuzzier every day, and yet it is clear that I, what I am, ends 'here' and the world begins 'there'. Or is it. Can one separate one's self from one's circumstance? I am the age I am, have this background that often haunts me in dreams, I play the guitar, have minor or otherwise habits that I can't easily shake off (although I do try), I yearn and dream but also can be lazy and pedestrian and base -half way between a monkey and an angel, who was it that coined that phrase?
Getting up in the morning is difficult -it always was and it is not getting easier aasí get older. Would love to be able o change my daily routines -or are they rituals? but I'm a prisoner of past mistakes in so many small ways. My tooth brushing routine takes nearly ten minutes these days, even though I've only got two thirds of the teeth I was born with (well, I wasn't actually born with any teeth, but you know what I mean and you're not a stickler, are you). Again, belated payment for all those years during which I thought that eight seconds of dragging a toothbrush across my teeth was all the teeth brushing I needed. That, like so many other small and not so small things. And yet I still tell myself I'm lucky in many ways; I'm still alive, for a start. I still can play the guitar, go out and dance, I can read and, to the small extent I ever could, I can write. I still can play in front of an audience and be quite scared and yet deliver at least a good chunk of what the music I play means for me. On the other hand... I still search for meanings and purposes even though I should have plenty enough, I still, this late in the game, yearn for company and <i>the special person </i>even though I know that is an illusion. I'm not depressed but I do sometimes feel desperately lonely. Like last Saturday night, although I know what the trigger for that was and that it was irrational.
Inevitably, we go round in circles -but these are moving targets, too, just like we go round together with the planet but it moves around the star and this moves towards Vega and the whole galaxy that contains us all moves towards Andromeda and the whole lot moves towards oblivion....
